- Banishes hunger pangs – if it’s going to be awhile before I’m able to eat, a few Cheetos tide me over.
- Keeps me awake – probably through a combination of the busywork of feeding the little worms into my face and the salt. I know, no scientific basis for the last, but it works for me. Part of it might be the head noise you get from crunching on one. You can hardly hear it externally but the sound works it’s way through your teeth to make a very satisfying sound inside your own head. This is called “mouth feel,” right?
- Keeps me occupied – driving can be boring and eating Cheetos give me something to do other than gripping the steering wheel.
- Keeps me from eating more fattening snacks. I’m sure you’re aware that a single crunch on an orange worm takes it down to perhaps a thousandths of the volume. I haven’t done the science, but it seems as though a single worm, of almost any size, crunches down to 12 or 13 molecules after a single chew.
I have the consumption down to a science. I use only my thumb and pointer finger. I pluck only one Cheeto at a time, no matter how small. I swallow the “food” that results from that single Cheeto, It’s barely Cheeto flavored spit, but evidently it is enough. This technique minimizes the after-consumption cleanup of Cheeto dust. Just two digits to lick off. This technique also helps me pace myself and not overconsume (this is something you are probably not interested in). I have disciplined myself to eat just enough to keep me from further hunger and / or or to keep me from falling asleep.
- They’re pretty damn messy. I’ve thought about inventing a two finger plastic disposable plastic glove. Not sure that will work. I’m wondering if you’ve experimented with a formula that has the cheese dust stick to the actual Cheeto a bit better. Most of the time I don’t mind licking my fingers off but sometimes they’re a bit too dirty to lick. I still do, mind you. Perhaps there is some medicinal quality in the Cheetos dust that has kept me from getting sick.
- Sometimes a bag of Crunchy Cheetos has too many big, fat, baked-like worms in it. I don’t like the baked. Look after the quality control a bit better, okay? I did finish a bag that had a better than average ratio of really crunchy worms. Here is the number that was on the bag: 2 453 12704 21 00:45. Not sure if this means anything, but there it is. Reward the crew that fried this bag up please.
Finally, here are three suggestions for you:
- There is often, not always, a buttery quality to a Cheeto. I would recommend a new flavor: Buttery Cheetos. Hey, you came out with the flaming hot ones, how about a little buttah.
- My favorite Cheetos are an inch to an inch and a half long. They are real skinny and almost hard to the bite – a good amount of resistance before the structure of the worm yields to my molars and dissolves to molecule think layer of dust on my teeth. To optimize of my Cheeto of choice I’d recommend another new line called Skinnies or something similar.
- Buttery Skinnies? Almost more than I could hope for.
So there you have it then. I await a call from your quality control and product development departments.